I grew when I halted my desire for growth.
The idea of wanting to get better was rooted in my brain from a very young age.
I was impatient with my Self and obsessed with finding “What do I need to fix next?”.
And in that process, I forgot to ask the most important question: “To become what?”.
Blinded by the addiction to fixing things that weren't broken, I lost track of meaning, purpose, and inner truth.
And yes, growth can be blindly addictive, especially if it is intangible and cannot be measured.
Without clarity, I ended up lost in places that never felt like home—fixing what was never mine to carry in the first place.
There is a weird irony I experienced through the journey that I'd like to share.
It's that you leave a hole in the place you left, trying to get to the next thing.
In other words, trying to fix a flaw will make the flaw more exposed, and in doing so, you'll too.
It'll attract even more “flaws” and amplify everything you think is yours to fix.
It's a weird thing that happens when try to change without a clear purpose and direction.
I've changed countless times.
Sometimes with purpose and direction.
And other major times without a clear goal, often trying to fix something that's not mine to bother.
When I stopped wanting to be more, I learned how to be enough.
I started loving myself for who I am rather than chasing my potential to reach some mystical place that I didn't define.
Maybe defining it would've given me a much smoother experience and more importantly, peace with my Self.
Through my journey of wandering, here's what I learned.
And you may find it helpful.
Growth can be attractive. Maybe even addictive. But without a clear direction, purpose, and goal, it is just a shiny way to make you feel numb and lifeless on the inside. Giving it direction and purpose should always be the first non-negotiable.
One thing at a time. Trying to get your feet on many things is the fastest way to mess up.
Ignore the noise. It can be very tempting to look for meaning in the chaos.
The hole you leave behind when you try to outgrow your past self is not yours to fix.
Still, knowing your Why and your purpose will set you free more than anything.
I wrote something about that a while back—a short reflection on knowing your Why.
I’ll link it here if you feel like reading.
If you have gone through any similar experiences of change, I'd love to know how you've navigated them. Feel free to reply to this email.
There is a small change I noticed I needed to make with my writing journey lately.
I want a new name, something that would be more aligned with my inner truth.
So, this is now becoming Clearform.
With the dot at the end.
Let me know what you think about the new name.
Though signing off with Beyond Silence was waaay cooler.
Anyway, thanks for being here.
Jasir Ibrahim
From Clearform.
(Yes, with a dot at the end)